Apple Maps Fiasco
SAN DIEGO – The world is in panic with Apple’s introduction of the new Maps app in iOS 6. The problem is evident whenever the app is opened; locations and maps are all scrambled, no location is where it seems to be, and some users have reported Inception style world folding.
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The Cupertino, California based company controls over 30% of the entire smartphone market. With such a large percentage of the world reliant on their products, a problem with one of the most commonly used apps would naturally have dire consequences. Businesses everywhere have reported a halt in around half of their operations, as employees who use Apple Maps are unable to find their way to work. “This whole situation has been of great concern to us,” reported Bridgette Tyler, the sole Android user at a nuclear power plant. “None of the other employees have been able to come into work for a few weeks now, and I can’t begin to describe how often we’ve come close to full nuclear meltdown. Fortunately, I’ve been at the console pressing random buttons, and so far, that seems to have solved the problem. I can’t keep doing this though, I’m supposed to be in accounting.”
Delivery men everywhere have also been unable to do their jobs. People everywhere are waiting in vain for the delivery truck to pull up to their doorstep and deliver their newly ordered gadget or doodad. “My entire fleet of truck drivers and airplane pilots have been unable to make their deliveries,” says Tom Harris. “They all rely on Apple Maps to know where they’re going. One of my drivers drove their truck into a lake because the app said the customer was at the bottom.”
Of course, this situation has had an impact on regular citizens as well. Many have been unable to find their local grocery stores and other purveyors of essential items, such as toilet paper. As a result, a percentage of the population, corresponding to the amount of Apple users, have reported a rising level of starvation and unhygienic conditions. Government airlifted care packages have somewhat alleviated this problem as Apple scrambles to find a solution, but it is unknown how long they can continue, given their record deficit. “I don’t know what to say,” Apple user Gary Lee comments. “My grocery store is usually around the corner, but since Apple Maps was released, I have been unable to find it. My car can’t drive up the new walls that have been installed in my neighborhood. It can only drive on the ground.”
“Frankly, I don’t see what the big problem is,” said Frank Osbourne, an Android user who walked into our offices when someone accidently forgot to close the front doors. “It’s their fault for being hipsters and choosing Apple over Android, which is obviously better because it’s an open system.” Soon after he simultaneously tweeted those words, a mob of Apple fans swarmed our building and left nothing but his bones.