Just for Fun

Published on September 18th, 2012
Filed under: Just for Fun,

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Monkeys In The Warehouse

During a recent brainstorming session amongst Logistopedia editors, we started talking about hypothetical situations in which various animals could serve as employees of the supply chain. As you can see, we have a little too much time on our hands. Anyway, my supervisor, Sir Andy IV the Merciful, Esq. (he demands that everyone refer to him as such) started talking about the economic ramifications of replacing all employees with hamsters. Ignoring the obvious fact that he has obviously been paid off by powerful pro-hamster lobbies, he failed to realize that monkeys are willing to work for less. And when you hire monkeys to work in a warehouse, they’ll do a better job than humans.


One step closer to putting a hamster in Congress.

1. Efficient Service.

If you’ve ever been to a warehouse (Like Costco. Seriously, if you haven’t, go. Those places are awesome.) you would see that it is typically made up of rows upon rows of tall shelves, upon which they stack wooden pallets supporting various goods and sundries. A crane or a forklift is usually necessary to lift any goods that you need off the top shelves. A time and resource consuming process, especially if someone buys a single item from a package that lies upon the top shelf.


The toothpick at the top. I want it.

Monkeys do not have this problem, being expert climbers. The entire warehouse is like a playground to them. They’d be able to swing around and locate merchandise within the warehouse faster than any human could. They also don’t have to rely on those puny things we humans refer to as “tools.” No, dagnabbit, they’ll use the hands and feet nature gave them, and do a better job of it too. They’d simply climb to the appropriate shelf, and hand down the merchandise to their monkey comrades. And if some high roller wants an entire package, no problem. A monkey is at least twice as strong as any human, with some accounts saying that they could be at least 5 to 8 times stronger. They’ll simply use their freakishly strong arms and carry the entire pallet all by themselves.


Laaaaaadies.

2. Convenient Shipping.

Most warehouses now offer a shipping service in addition to storage. They’ll ship any stored goods, either to the retailer’s storefront to replenish inventory, or directly to the consumer, with little interaction necessary between the retailer and the customer beyond the initial transaction. However, humans have to deal with a complicated delivery process, usually involving multiple trucks, ships, and planes.

Not so with monkeys. Given their natural strength, monkeys can deliver packages by hand. It might be slower than relying on a plane, as the monkeys have to travel overland, but it’s more environmentally friendly. They’d be able to take a near straight path to the delivery point, as they are able to travel across nearly all terrain, as seen in the documentary Rise of the Planet of the Apes. They would also not be required to stop for traffic, as human laws do not apply to monkeys. And no one would dare injure the monkeys on their route, else they be forced to pay hefty fines under the Endangered Species Act.


Innovations in monkey travel are steadily outpacing humans.

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